HEY DUDES AND LADYDUDES. Been a bit of a while since I've made a Monday post (probably. Look, I can't be bothered to remember days) and I've never officially rated the available Marvel movies (though, of course, these ratings will change in just a few short weeks when Captain America: Winter Soldier comes out). So, you know, we're doing that today. Because I saw a list recently that rated them and, well, you know, every one of these sorts of things is obviously subjective but that one was objectively wrong so LET'S DO IT.
27. Ghost Rider
Guys. Nic Cage. A weird thing about jelly beans. Absolutely no personality. And obscenely boring, even considering the fact the protagonist is a guy with his head on fire. Bad and boring, really bad combination.
26. Punisher
In much the same fashion, Punisher is both boring and uninteresting. Again, a man who takes vengeance on criminals of every size and shape just because he hates crime and criminals and his family were killed and STILL I'M ASLEEP, you guys.
25. Fantastic Four
Readers of this blog are probably aware of how much I love Chris Evans but even he couldn't save what amounted to another boring and uninteresting movie. Of course, it doesn't help that it's the Fantastic Four and they're boring already. Ah well, can't win 'em all.
24. X-Men: The Last Stand
The only reason - the only reason - that this one made it past Fantastic Four is Madrox. Sadly, he didn't appear in more than maybe thirteen seconds of this movie. So, you know, that's problematic. Just real ugly plot and character moments and bad writing and everything. The writing, though, is worse on our next entry.
23. Spider-Man 3
I'm just as surprised as you are that this one ended up as high as it did. Or low. The terms are getting hard, you guys. This. Movie. Is. Garbage. It makes me rethink my love of Marvel every time I catch a piece of it on TV. There's literally a point where Harry Osborn says "I used to protect you in high school and now I'm going to kick your ass!" It's something like that and it makes me lose faith in writing and goodness as a concept every time I think about it which, as you can see, is too often.
22. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance
Also real bad, very much in the same way as the other Ghost Rider but it went for it just a little more. Everyone knew what this movie was going to be like after the first movie. It embraced the ridiculousness of it but, you know, while that earns it points it certainly doesn't make it good.
21. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Still boring. Still Fantastic Four. Add in the Silver Surfer and it's better. Add in a Galactus level threat but refuse to actually show Galactus because apparently a man bigger than the entire world with a silly world-eating hat is somehow too ridiculous for a movie that stars four people with powers granted by...space, I guess?
20. Elektra
Extra points go out to this one because they tried to make a female-led movie a decade before it would even enter the conversation. Of course, that earns it exactly enough goodwill to enter the top 20 AND NO MORE THAN THAT. Not a winner, you guys.
19. Hulk
Before Ang Lee won the Academy Award for Best Director for Brokeback Mountain and for Life of Pi, he directed Hulk, a really messed up movie that co-stars Nick Nolte, if that says anything about it. Ang Lee brings a lot of interesting decisions to the movie, including a lot of comic book layout feel to parts of it, but that doesn't, you know, make it a good movie at the end of the day.
Part two comes out LATER TODAY, PROBABLY!
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