ALL OF THEM

Okay.



Okay.



Okay, so we're back. Apologies for the little break (I may some day take a bigger break but one that's scheduled and doesn't revolve around my axle breaking and my car needing more assistance than my blog). For some dumb reason, I still feel determined to review every book but we're all busy people, we don't need big reviews, particularly the Sunday after the comics have come out. Most of you may already know what books you want! So let's blast through this, super super super condensed version. I may not even mention creators...hold on, I'm getting a thought - start of the week, maybe I'll post all the creators on the side like how I post the new release comics. I gotta update the look of this site anyway. Any suggestions/comments/criticisms? Okay, we're wildly off-topic now. TO THE COMICS, wherein I shall strive to give the SHORTEST REVIEWS I CAN POSSIBLY GIVE.


All-New Invaders 9

The Invaders have been caught off-guard by a bunch of Deathloks and their master, thanks to some sort of AI controlling device, is revealed to be a Martian. The book continues to be horribly slow, to over-explain everything, and to, presumably as an effect of the previous two clauses, seeming have no tension to it. Total Score: 2/5


All-New Ultimates 7
The Ultimates follow Crossbones into the sewers where they run across deformed fellow experiments of Roxxon who have been left there along with a pile of bodies. Geez, now they have to deal with Roxxon and a protracted and uninteresting gang war? This continues to be protracted and uninteresting, though at least something happened this time. Total Score: 2/5


All-New X-Men 31
While the adult X-Men are out of town to figure out Xavier's will, the ANXM find a new mutant named Carmen who can open portals to other dimensions and, in their attempt to help her understand, she sends them off to different universes, namely, it seems, the Ultimate Universe. Wasn't AGE OF ULTRON supposed to knock off this cross-universe business? Didn't BENDIS write that? How many loopholes can we create WITHIN TWO YEARS? What is HAPPENING? Total Score: 2/5


Amazing Spider-Man 1.4
Clash has made something of a name for himself but he's only doing so in comparison to Spider-Man, which enrages him. Finally Spidey invents something that should negate Clash a bit and uses it when Clash attacks the Daily Bugle (they all come there eventually) but Clash breaks it, leading Jonah to call him a real threat and Spider-Man the knock-off, to Clash's delight. Getting a little sick of all of Spider-Man's villains being crazy and wanting attention, is anyone else feeling that way? Total Score: 2/5


Avengers 34

How are we still not out of the As yet? Okay. Captain America gets brought by Iron Lad to the end of time where Iron Lad, Immortus, and Kang tell Cap he has to remain there so he doesn't interfere with events on current Earth that could lead to the end of days. Cap, of course, doesn't take that well and gets the time gem once more, going back to the present and preparing the Avengers for an assault on the Illuminati. Really interesting point to have reached and there's a great classic Cap speech in the middle of all this. Total Score: 4/5


Avengers Undercover 9
The Avengers and other gathered heroes descend on The Pit to attack Zemo and free the former students only to be trapped in The Pit while Zemo and his army attacks the rest of Earth, starting with SHIELD. The bait-and-switch worked pretty well, but it didn't account for Cammi, who broke out of her prison and has the drop on Zemo and his lieutenants. More strong stuff from this series which has reached its sadly penultimate issue. Total Score: 4/5


Cyclops 4
Cyclops and Corsair are running short on Corsair's life-saving medicine, a fate to which Corsair is resigned but about which Cyclops is angry. Corsair has set about trying to teach Cyclops to fight and to live off the land while awaiting rescue but Cyclops has already started to give up hope. Corsair tells him that hope is the difference between the Scott he knew and the Scott on Earth now, that the current Cyclops lost all hope. Not wanting to be that guy, young Cyclops sets about trying to fix the tracking unit the bounty hunters attached to Corsair's ship, which will provide rescue but in the form of bounty hunters. Some solid character work here from Rucka and a nice quiet issue before guns presumably start blazing again. Cyclops and Corsair's relationship is the driving force of this young book and it's well done here. Total Score: 4/5


Fantastic Four 9
Reed has started work with John Eden (ugh) while Johnny is depressed in the Manhattan upper class, Sue frets about the kids, and Thing finds out that She-Thing runs the prison and has an axe to grind with him. I don't know much about Fantastic Four history because I largely don't care about the F4 but She-Thing? Is that what we've chosen to dig up as Thing's greatest foe? There's finally hint of a greater scheme at work behind everything happening but I still refuse to buy plenty of what's happened so I'm unimpressed by a clear hand steering things. Total Score: 2/5


Guardians of the Galaxy 18
Gamora kidnaps Peter Quill and brings him to an interrogation chamber unbeknownst to the rest of the team, where she asks him about what happened in the Cancerverse that allowed he, Thanos, and a living Drax to return. Part one of the story involves Star-Lord and Nova attempting to nobly sacrifice themselves to see Thanos forever trapped but Thanos making a solid argument to Star-Lord about why he should hand over the cosmic cube he's holding. Not much substance, as yet, to this story that should explain some things. McGuinness' art is strong, though, so it's certainly readable. It would be more readable if there wasn't so much quipping in the CANCERVERSE. Total Score: 3/5


Inhuman 4

Medusa has set up New Attilan on the ground near New York and opened it to the public. Thor comes to hang out with her as she explains her reasons for doing so, which are mostly to build relationships and alliances while showing the Inhumans are nothing to fear. However, assassins try to kill her, wounding her handmaiden Elejea in the process. Thor delivers the assassins to Medusa, who learns they are Nuhumans (the convenient term for new Inhumans) angry that they're now different. She offers them a place in her kingdom or the opportunity to leave unharmed and without resistance, showing the people how peaceful and reasonable she can be. Meanwhile, a new and mysterious character named The Reader saves a Nuhuman in China. Plenty happening in this book and Soule is doing a solid job to really make this start feeling like its own culture and own big world, which is very important. Stegman also does really impressive work on these pages. Total Score: 5/5


Original Sin 5.4 - Thor and Loki
As Loki leads the Angels to attack Asgard, Thor summons the storm to him and annihilates his prison, breaking out and immediately wreaking havoc on Heven. Loki does indeed bring the Angels to Asgard but neglects to mention that all the Asgardians live now in Asgardia and that only Odin and The Serpent are in Asgard, finally rousing Odin back to action. Not a terrible little issue though it does drag a little at parts and sometimes the often flowery Asgardian English confuses where it should just push forward. Mostly strong work. Total Score: 4/5


Savage Hulk 3
Jean has the power of the Hulk and seemingly Hulk-strength telepathy now but...wait, it's just a dream of Xavier's as his mind has been manipulated by...wait, it's all happening in Banner's head and the Leader is there with bombs strapped to everyone suddenly and he's ready to detonate Xavier's if he even tries to get into his own mind and...look, I'm not sure what's happening here but I am sure that I'm almost entirely disinterested in it and it still moves slowly, even with a plot that's clearly ramping up. Total Score: 2/5


Silver Surfer 5
It turns out that the barrier around Earth isn't actually real, it's in Surfer's head courtesy of a nearby slumbering Lord of Nightmares. Everyone on Earth has fallen asleep except for Dawn Greenwood, who is drifting off, and it's given the Lord of Nightmares the power, thanks to a rare alignment of the planets, to essentially keep everyone asleep and in nightmares forever if Dawn, Surfer, Hulk, and Dr. Strange don't stop him, which they eventually manage. There's a lot of interesting art and ideas but this one feels a little bogged down by how much Slott wants to do and by this strange mythology. Dawn eventually, I should mention, realizes that she wants to see more of the universe and goes with Surfer. Total Score: 3/5


Thunderbolts 30
Punisher and Elektra fight while the two reminisce, both in their heads and out loud, about their times together. Elektra is a far better fighter than Punisher and doesn't really let him get a moment to rest, but even when he finally does get her pinned, he can't bring himself to kill her and the two separate less than amicably but also with neither dead. As Hawkeye relates everything he's figured out to Iron Man, particularly about the terribleness of the new Thunderbolts team, Punisher calls Red Hulk and tells him that he's next. A pretty good fight scene carries this rather nice break-up issue as the weird relationship that was Elektra and Punisher comes to an end. Total Score: 3/5


Uncanny Avengers 23
The Unity Squad needed a bit of time to recover from everything that's happened, so Janet and Scarlet Witch return finally to everyday life from Janet's family's secluded vacation home to try to put their lives back in order again. Anyone that needed healing or examination was placed in a healing chamber for Hank McCoy to study or heal, though Sunfire remains imbued with tremendous power, Havok's face will never heal again, and Rogue still has Wonder Man in her brain (no one really came out of this alright). Rogue goes a little crazy as the voices and memories she thought she expelled from her brain take over again and she runs rampant through New York until Scarlet Witch catches up to her and swears she'll help her. Meanwhile, Red Skull prepares his next major strike along with Kang's recent right-hand man Ahab. Lots of set-up for the upcoming AXIS and some good closer from the last very long arc make this one a worthwhile read, but not one that feels totally necessary to continue the story. Total Score: 4/5


Wolverine 12

It's another fight in a mall and Wolverine decries Sabretooth's hypocrisy while Sabretooth decries Wolverine's use of armor and they fight and eventually Wolverine powers through his crappy dialogue and narration to defeat Sabretooth and they get the orb back and Death is like "hey Wolvy, see ya soon, like in September's DEATH OF WOLVERINE mini-series!" and I'm just glad another heavy-handed but ultimately ineffective WOLVERINE volume has come to a close and I'm looking forward to Charles Soule's spin. Total Score: 2/5


Wolverine and the X-Men 8
Wolverine and Storm have a date in The World, where time moves differently. They end up staying there a while longer, spending a great deal of time building a life, overthrowing a warlord born of the old Weapon Plus program, and stabilizing the region. They leave after a year with Storm leaving as the queen and Logan as the inspiration for a school and so forth, their love for each other deepened but still unable to overcome their responsibilities with the X-Men. It's not a bad issue and the time jumps make it move quickly enough and stay interesting. It's also the first time in the few years that they've had this on-and-off relationship between Wolverine and Storm where I've felt like maybe it wasn't just something the writers wanted to make work, maybe it is something that can happen in this world. Nicely done, Latour. Total Score: 4/5


GUYS, I DID IT. Why isn't everyone praising me ALREADY?